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A guide to appear intelligent on budget day. By Panchutantra
Panchutantra offers a tongue-in-cheek guide to looking fiscally savvy without actually reading the Budget. From mastering posture and phrases to sprinkling percentages and invoking “long-term structural reform,” this Sunday manual turns Budget-watching into a national performance art—confidence over comprehension, clichés over calculations.
Wars, oil prices, interest rates, geopolitics — throw them all in. The Budget cannot be expected to perform miracles when the planet itself is misbehaving, writes Panchutantra. (Image Source: Unsplash)
A guide to looking fiscally awakened while doing absolutely nothing. Panchutantra, ever in public service, offers this essential Sunday manual — not on how to read the Budget, but on how to perform comprehension. On how to replace brunch with gravitas, leisure with fiscal anxiety, and facts with phrases that land like insight.
Every year, like migratory birds and badly designed infographics, the Union Budget arrives. And with it begins the nation’s most inclusive intellectual exercise: appearing knowledgeable about the Budget.
This is not about reading documents. That is for interns, Chartered Accountants, and people who still believe footnotes matter. This is about posture. Tone. The ability to look mildly disappointed while saying absolutely nothing that can be disproved.
Within minutes of the Finance Minister sitting down, the country divides neatly into three categories:
1. Those who read the Budget.
2. Those who skim the headlines.
3. Those who skim people who skim headlines — and then go on television.
This Panchutantra is for Category 3. The backbone of public discourse.
Rule 1: Start With “It’s a Mixed Bag”
Always. No exceptions. “It’s a bit of a mixed bag.”
This is the Swiss Army knife of Budget opinions. It suggests balance, maturity, and late-career wisdom. It also ensures nobody can pin you down later.
If someone asks, mixed how?
Lower your voice. Say:
“Some positives, some concerns.”
Never elaborate.
Rule 2: Invoke the Middle Class (Abstractly, Emotionally)
The middle class must always be overburdened, ignored, or betrayed. Preferably all three.
“Once again, the honest salaried middle class has been left out.”
Who exactly is this middle class?
What income band?
Urban or rural?
These are hostile questions. Avoid people who ask them.
Rule 3: Use Percentages Without Context
Numbers give gravitas. Context gives vulnerability.
“Capex is up 11%.”
Up from when?
Adjusted for inflation?
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Relative to GDP?
Smile gently. Sip water. Move on.
Rule 4: Say “Long-Term Structural Reform”
This phrase is extremely useful because it relocates accountability to an unspecified future government.
“In the long term, this is a strong structural Budget.”
The long term is where all bad ideas are kept in climate-controlled storage.
Rule 5: Adopt One Sector You Barely Understand
Choose manufacturing, agriculture, or startups.
“Manufacturing will clearly benefit.”
If pressed, add:
“PLI will play a role.”
Nobody knows which role. Including PLI.
Rule 6: Express Deep Concern About Fiscal Deficit
Understanding is optional. Anxiety is not.
“The fiscal math is tight.”
Compared to what?
By whose calculation?
Concern is a complete sentence.
Rule 7: Blame the World
Always zoom out.
“In a challenging global environment…”
Wars, oil prices, interest rates, geopolitics — throw them all in. The Budget cannot be expected to perform miracles when the planet itself is misbehaving.
Rule 8: Criticise What Wasn’t Announced
This is essential.
“I was expecting more on healthcare / education / MSMEs / climate / innovation.”
Expectations are free. Delivery is someone else’s problem.
Rule 9: Close With Wisdom You Cannot Be Quoted Against
“Let’s see how it plays out.”
This sentence is Budget antiseptic. It disinfects all previous nonsense.
Rule 10: Post on LinkedIn Immediately
Timing matters more than accuracy.
Use phrases like:
• Bold yet balanced
• Prudent with a growth bias
• Signals intent
• Execution will be key
Add a chart you don’t fully understand.
Tag three people who won’t read it.
The Panchutantra Ten-Point Budget Survival Kit
1. Mixed bag is the Switzerland of opinions. Use it.
2. The middle class must suffer — silently and symbolically.
3. Percentages impress even when disconnected from reality.
4. Long term = not my problem.
5. One sector is enough to fake intimacy.
6. Fiscal concern signals seriousness, not knowledge.
7. Global headwinds explain everything and nothing.
8. Missing announcements are safer to critique than real ones.
9. “Let’s see” is intellectual insurance.
10. Post early. Edit later. Delete quietly.
Panchutantra Disclaimer:
The Budget is not an economic document. It is a social performance. A national theatre where comprehension is optional, confidence is compulsory, and clichés ,delivered with the right pause, sound exactly like expertise. And if all else fails, remember the immortal closer:
“This Budget will truly be judged in its implementation.”
Which, in Panchutantra, translates to: I have no idea, but I’m done talking
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