The HR Training Video Conspiracy: By Panchutantra

There are many ancient rites of passage in India. The sacred thread ceremony. The first sip of rum without water. And then there is the HR Training Module — the modern upanayanam of corporate life.

It arrives not with a priest, but with an email titled Welcome!!! — three exclamation marks of hope, followed by a reminder that sounds like a landlord’s final notice.

You click. A woman in a pastel saree gestures earnestly. A man nods like his neck is on EMI. They say things like respect is important as if you were planning to headbutt your colleagues otherwise. Somewhere a guitar plays soft jazz — the sound of ethics in HD.

Now here is the Panchutantra truth:

Nobody watches these videos. Nobody.

Not interns. Not CXOs. Not even that overachiever who once colour-coded his lunchboxes.

I have surveyed cynics, CEOs, and one gentleman who proudly confessed he plagiarised his LKG essay on My Best Friend Mango.

Total number who watch the full training before the quiz: Zero.

Lower than your chances of getting leave when you need it.

Because we are a nation trained in multiple-choice combat.

JEE, CAT, IIT, UPSC — all preparation for that final boss fight called Corporate Ethics Quiz.

The real question is never What is the right thing to do?

It is Can I get 100% without pressing play?

And the answer, my friend, is click-click-submit.

The options are written in HRese — easy for the pure of heart, easier for the corruptly intelligent.

If you witness harassment in the office, you should: A. Pretend to take a call B. Record it for your podcast C. Check with your supervisor D. Start a Slack poll

It is always C. Supervisor is the new Bhagavan.

Fire drill? Supervisor. Existential crisis? Supervisor. Someone heated fish curry in the pantry again? Supervisor, with a nose peg.

There are cheat codes too.

Pick the one option nobody in real life will ever choose.

If the question says mental wellness, choose meditation and boundaries, not reply to emails during dinner. If it says gender sensitivity, avoid the one involving ‘harmless jokes.’

If a scenario feels like your actual office, that answer is wrong.

And when you ace the whole thing — which you will — the system rewards you with a certificate. A PDF. A degree in Ethics Without Watching Anything™️.

Suitable for printing, framing, or rolling into a tube for swatting mosquitoes.

My favourite incident?

A young analyst once declared he was busy undergoing sexual harassment training. To which a colleague asked, poker-faced: “So, how good are you at it now?” HR is still lying down with a cold towel.

But let us not be unkind.

The purpose of the module is not transformation.

It is checkbox.

Click Next → Click Agree → Become a Better Human Being.

Somewhere, a server believes you are now morally upgraded.

Congratulations. You have downloaded ethics like a software update.

And so, dear reader, here ends today’s Panchutantra moral:

In corporate life, wisdom is not knowing what ethics is.

Wisdom is knowing where the Skip button hides.

Certificate attached.

Jazz music fades.

You may close the window now — like you closed your conscience and did just fine.

Read more: The Panchutantra Manual of surviving a holding company merger

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Read: The Parable of the Pavement, By Panchutantra